The Snake Lady’s Afternoon Off

Late last week I decided I needed an Afternoon Off. Kind of like Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off only I asked for annual leave from my boss four day’s ahead of time and let hubby know my plans. Y’know, a grown-up version of Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off.

My Afternoon Off began with a trip to the parts store. Yes. The parts store. Hubby called before I left the office and said, “Will you go to the part’s store?” “But its my Afternoon Off” I protested. “Yeah, well, you’ve got to do something with the time. You might as well spend some of it at the parts store.” Grrrrr.

Step 2 was Applebee’s. I know this sounds cheezy but I love eating out alone at medium-grade chain restaurants and now that I’m married I don’t get to do it very often. I ate my food, read a book, and contemplated my next move. The planned next move was a movie ’cause I like those too. The only problem is that there really isn’t anything I wanted to see and now that Netflix owns my soul for $17.99 a month, there’s no real need to go to the theatre.

I pondered. I noted the deep feelings of cheap, tawdry unworthiness that had been sneaking up on me ever since I started spending three hours every evening in front of the tube watching television series. Its fun, mind, but the over-all result has left me feeling a bit slimy. I decided that reading A CLASSIC or two would solve this so I ditched the movie idea and went to the bookstore. Sadly, I had to ask where the classics section was. My English major soul says this is something I should know about any bookstore I frequent. Alas.

So, after considering my options I chose Robinson Crusoe and The Picture of Dorian Grey. This left me feeling so superior that I embarked on Part 2 of My Afternoon Off feeling that nothing could scathe me.

Let me warn you that I am NOT COOL. Cool people try out shiatsu or reiki on their afternoon off. Really cool people design the co-op they plan to build outside of Seattle while sipping carob flavored soy milk or apply for jobs like editorial writer for The Advocate.

I went to Macy’s.

I also went to Younker’s.

These are “grown-up ladies” stores that I 1. can’t afford and 2. feel intimidated by. I bought myself costume jewelry and a some clothes that, om, strike out in a new direction for me. I also bought the hubmeister a very cool purple tie.

Then I went to yet another clothing store – one that I feel more comfortable in – and tried on almost everything on sale in my size. Those poor sales clerks. I did buy a couple of things.

The end result? Well, I have some new clothes. And some new costume jewelry. And this oddly slimy, cheap and tawdry feeling that you get from spending 5 hours in a mall. I think I’ll go and see if a few chapters of The Picture of Dorian Grey can fix mall sliminess, too.