When I was 16 I converted to Islam. I was devout and observant for several years, let it fade it my 20s, and returned to it quietly in my 30s. By quietly I mean privately. Many people who know me don’t know I’m Muslim. It was an outright secret at work until this past year.
I don’t feel at home in the local mosque. I’ve disobeyed some pretty fundamental Muslim laws, including marrying a non-Muslim. I don’t speak more than a few phrases of Arabic and have no interest in learning. I don’t cover my head. I’m too big to get on and off the floor to pray in the traditional way which is a basic community building activity. I’m most comfortable around other American converts, but I don’t know a lot of them.
Recently I have found myself longing for a faith community. It isn’t the first time. But this is the first time I’m willing to explore options outside of Islam to find one. I don’t know what the end result will be.
It makes me feel sad to think of stepping away from Islam, I get a heaviness in my chest, a longing for what ideally I would find in my own faith. But this feeling of being on the outside looking in on a space where I’m not fully welcome isn’t a good feeling either. I feel perpetually lonely for human spiritual companionship. For people I can talk about God with. For people I can develop social kindnesses with with an understanding that we are building a community based on shared beliefs.
I don’t know how long it will take, or where I will end up, but I know that I am now willing to open myself up to new possibilities. I will be re-evaluating what I believe about God and what my values are.
As I begin this journey I can lay out some of my beliefs this way:
- I believe that there is no God but God (I am a monotheist).
- I have no problem with people who believe in other religions. To each their own.
- I believe that Muhammad was a prophet of God.
- I believe that Jesus was a prophet of God. I do not believe he was divine. I do not believe in the trinity.
- It is important to me that agnostics and atheists are respected, both intellectually and socially. My parents were atheists when they were raising me.
- I am socially liberal. Maybe progressive is the right term now. I’m radically feminist. I’m pro-choice (abortion on demand and without apology). Black lives matter. I support gay rights and marriage equality. You’re welcome to share my bathroom as long as you wash your hands when you’re done.
- I believe in science and that scientific inquiry is humankind’s best effort to understand the miracle of God’s creation. I do not find conflict between science and faith.
Plum Librarian LLC 