I am a Big Girl. I am fat. I am obese. There is no way around not talking about it. It is the most obvious thing about me when you meet me. And it is a problem. There’s no denying it.
I’ve been soaking up a lot of Health at Any Size talk about being healthy regardless of your weight but that is not the case for me. I’m not healthy. And my weight is a serious contributing factor. Being healthy and being overweight is a real thing for some people. I know people my size who can still get through an entire aerobics workout. I can’t get through the warm up.
About a year ago I discovered a fat-positive blogger that sang the praises of accepting your body, harped on the ineffectiveness of any weight loss plan you care to name, and badmouthed the idea of making lifestyle changes. She encourages her readers to give up trying to lose weight and to be, you guessed it, Healthy at Any Size.
I’ve spent the last year gloriously un-guilty about what I ate. I’ve been eating exactly what I wanted to eat, at every turn, and miraculously I even lost some weight. I was not eating healthy. I have spent 12 months not exhibiting even a modicum of self control about what I put in my mouth. I don’t know how the weight loss happened. The lack of guilt has been marvelous. I mean, it’s been really, really good. But I noticed something else, too. I’ve never felt worse.
I walk a mile only with difficulty. I get winded walking up a slope. I have trouble getting up from a low seat. I am becoming physically disabled by my weight and my lack of conditioning. I am 45 years old and I am not dim-bulbed about my future. Health does not improve from this point unless you work at it.
A good friend of mine recommended a book called The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. The idea behind the book is that Rhimes said “no” to everything and decided to say yes to the things that scared her for a year. One of the things she realized she was saying “yes” to was being overweight. And that, by default, that meant she was saying “no” to other things. Those other things were powerful enough that she put down her fork and lost over 100 pounds. She didn’t follow any specific diet and she didn’t outlaw any particular food. And it was hard. It was really hard. She didn’t claim that any of it was easy. It was just that in the balance of what she wanted to say “yes” to in life, making healthy choices won out. She wanted to be alive for children. She wanted to be able to move her body – to do something as simple as touch her toes again.
I can’t say that I’ve made a commitment to lose a hundred pounds but I feel like I’m on the cusp of something like it and I want to record the moment. I’m noticing a not-so-subtle shift in my attitude toward health.
This week I chose multigrain.
This week I took the stairs.
This week I didn’t finish my cookie.
This week I ordered salad instead of pizza.
This week I tried an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
This week I started tracking what I eat.
And it feels really good. I feel better about myself making these choices. These choices are their own reward. They feed on themselves and create more good choices. They do not feel burdensome. My attitude is changing. I’m noticing that when I make healthy choices I feel better about myself and when I make choices that aren’t so great I think to myself, “Hey, this is how you could have approached that differently. We’ll have to think about that for next time.”
I don’t want to go back to Weight Watchers. The weighing and measuring and counting was tedious. But maybe I will.
Overeaters Anonymous might prove to be helpful but I’m more of a moderation in all things type of person rather than taking an abstinence approach to certain foods so we’ll see.
And I hate exercise. I mean, I really, really, really hate it. But every time I take the stairs, it will get easier. Every time I go for a walk with a friend instead of sitting in a coffee shop to spend time together, it will get easier. Every time I use my break at work walking instead of checking personal email, it will get easier. Every time Hubby and I spend a Saturday morning at the gym, it will get easier. I know that.
So, in summary, I haven’t committed to any particular plan, not even a plan to lose weight. I’m just feeling better about myself when I make healthy choices in a way that is feeding on itself, in a way that makes me feel positive about my future and my ability to right the train that is my health.
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