I was really excited when the December theme at the UU church I’ve been attending for the past twelve months was: God. A topic I’m passionate about. A topic I can get behind.
I texted a Muslim friend of mine about this and she thought it was hilarious that God was the theme of the month (as opposed to a theme every day.) I had to agree. But I was looking forward to the months sermons nonetheless.
I was really hoping to learn that the church hierarchy had a definitive and positive attitude about God. Like I do. I can handle my church telling me that God is too big for me – for us – to fully wrap our heads around. That God is mysterious to human beings and that we cannot fully comprehend Him. But here’s the thing: I joyfully and reverently believe in a single all-knowing, all-powerful God. For real and for sure and in actuality, I believe in God and His goodness. Nothing evil that human beings have done in God’s name takes away from that for me. I’m totally good to give the credit for the world’s wonders to God – for every sunrise , for every sunset, for every birth – all the fundamentally awe-inspiring and inexplicable things in the universe. And on the flip side, to blame human beings for the everyday failures of character, the everyday lapses that define us, and the hurt we cause the people around us. We’re not perfect. Not meant to be. And that’s OK too. It’s the nature of life, free will is our gift from God. And I’m good to say that we don’t know why bad things happen to good people except that sorrow, death and pain are part of the human condition. That bearing our trials gives us a fuller appreciation of life. It’s OK not to be happy all the time, no belief structure protects you from misery, and of course I’ve seen my share. I’m not immune from the tough stuff. But I do feel blessed. Loved by friends, family, and by God. And I’m going through a particularly sweet spot in my life so maybe I have that rose-colored glasses syndrome going right now.
And I want to see something like that reflected back at me from the pulpit. Not exactly, y’know, but a generally up-beat vision of God.
I’m not quite getting it. In a December sermon our interim minister talked about being suspicious of those who claim to know God intimately. And that we are of a nature to doubt, and that he thinks doubt about God will be with us for the time being.
But I do feel like my relationship with God is intimate. I feel like I have a genuine, personal, individual understanding of some of the things God expects of me. Not that I have a comprehensive understanding of God’s will, or God’s ways but for instance, I feel called upon to be a monotheist. I feel that God expects that particular belief of me and I’m cool with that. I can feel God’s presence when I pray. Not every time but often enough. And that feels pretty intimate. (And pretty wonderful!) Prayer also feels like a duty, like an obligation that God expects of me. But I feel good about fulfilling that duty. I feel like it’s right for my life. That it improves my character to exercise spiritual discipline. And I don’t have doubt around that.
And speaking of doubt… that’s not really my gig. I’m not an agnostic. My experience with prayer has convinced me of the existence of God. I don’t need to get comfortable with doubt. With that said, I don’t believe that God demands any particular faith or belief structure of human beings in general. I don’t believe that I’m somehow saved and other folks aren’t simply by virtue of our beliefs about God. One thing I’m very comfortable with is that God’s love and mercy are big enough for every human being. That cultural differences and the concomitant differences in beliefs about God are a gift. That diversity of experience is part of what makes life grand, not a dividing line between people.
I’m sure my understanding of the minister’s sermon is on the unsophisticated side. I’m no theologian. Rigorous intellectual debate around God and an historical understanding of religion are not my strong suits. I’m all about the experience. And to be honest it’s a little depressing not to be around other people who are as geeked about God as I am.
On the other hand, I think my optimism about the human condition is where I mesh most closely with the UU church. Along with my class and race and political leanings, to be frank. I fit in at the UU church. I like the people and I am liked in return. I contribute to the life of the community and I’m involved with one of their volunteering efforts: the ESL classes, which are particularly meaningful to me as I get to help fellow Muslims with a very real and pressing need.
But I don’t share the same beliefs with the UU church about God. There are more atheists at my church than there are at my workplace. And I can’t leave Islam for a religion that is generally cool with doubt about God, a religion where so many congregants are legit atheists. Because that’s not my experience. And no matter how uncomfortable I am at a mosque now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave the faith for something else that is not a better fit.
So, it’s taken me 12 months but I’ve decided not to join the UU church.
That doesn’t mean that I won’t participate, of my time certainly and also of my wealth. I’m co-facilitating part two of Building Your Own Theology in the winter (and I’ll blog it like I did the first class) and I’ll go back to ESL tutoring in the summer after Hubby’s shoulder surgery. This year, at the very least, I’ll work with the hospitality committee. And I enjoy the weekly services and attend almost every week. But I’m not going to leave Islam for Unitarian Universalism. Ramadan is hard but I would feel like a sell-out giving it up to join fully with a group of folks who are not, as a group, even sure of the existence of God. I can’t go there.
I’m feeling a bit bummed out about UUism after coming to this realization and hoping that the services I’ve found fulfilling in the past will reinvigorate me in 2018. Because I do want to belong to a religious community. I want some place I feel comfortable. Some place I feel at home. Some place I can contribute. I don’t have to agree with everything. And the UU church is big enough to give me the space to maintain my own beliefs. I really value that about it and appreciate that space.
We’ll see what the long-term future holds. Maybe years of participation will change my mind. Or maybe my lack of enthusiasm will deepen. Time alone will tell.
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