My time at The Hermitage was truly a respite from every day life – but not just a respite: an archway into prayer, silence, and reflection. Space for reading, growth, and understanding. But most of all, for God’s love for me to really get through to me. That may sound a little corny but it was a defining result of my experience.
I didn’t miss alcohol, and a glass of wine after work is a pretty regular part of my day.
I didn’t miss my phone, or the connection that texting brings. I admit to being pretty chatty via text on an ordinary day, but I felt completely filled up by my spiritual experience and not in need of my usual Bitmoji cohort. I’d heard a television news story about how people can become “addicted” to their phones. That they experience emotions as extreme as clinical depression when they don’t have access to their devices. I admit that had me a little worried. I spend an inordinate amount of my free time on my phone. And yet, setting it down for the retreat was pretty much ok.
Loneliness has sometimes been a challenge for me. But there I felt peaceful and content, spending hour after hour alternating between prayer, observing silence, writing, and reading inspirational texts. I attended morning services and ate meals with others, but for the most part I experienced silence alone, but without loneliness.
I was afraid I’d be bored, with so little to “do.” My experience couldn’t have been further from boredom. My emotional, spiritual, and intellectual centers were fully engaged during my entire visit. I filled half a journal and read parts of five books.
At one point, following an instruction in a Hermitage writing exercise, I went to look up a passage in Matthew. And discovered the Psalms. I promptly identified one I want to memorize and a half dozen I marked for further reflection. Dude, King David rocks.
I thought I’d miss my husband, as I often do when we are apart for a few days and not able to communicate. That wasn’t the case at The Hermitage. As I was driving home, I realized that I was looking forward to spending the evening with him so that I could share my experiences, but that is all.
My biggest realization during the silence-through the prayer, reading, directed journaling, and spiritual direction, is that God loves me.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I feel about God, but not much time thinking about God’s attitude toward me. Some of my favorite descriptors of God from the Koran include that God is “oft-forgiving, most merciful.” I find that comforting. But during the silence I felt a personal connection to God, and the clear emotional communication that I am beloved of God.
There’s nothing that can compete with that. Nothing.
I’m 46 and before this fall, I didn’t realize that in anything more than a very general way. And yet it only took three days at The Hermitage for this unmistakable message to get through to me. There’s a lot to be said for simply waiting for God to speak to you. Because if you open yourself in prayer and with honest searching, He will.
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