During past Ramadans, the only thing that mattered to me was an emotional connection to God. A good day of fasting was a day I felt close to God. If I didn’t feel an intense emotional reward, I was bereft. I actually felt punished. I didn’t know that there was another way to evaluate a fasting experience.
This year, on top of fasting, I’m going through a med change. I’m distracted, mentally and emotionally. I’m not relying on feeling good to judge a day of fasting. I’m not waiting for God to bless me with elation. I’m just doing my duty, day by day, as many days as I can, and relying on my friendships for enjoyable Ramadan experiences. It’s taken a level of frustrating expectation out of the equation.
It was Mariko who named and framed that for me: that maybe having low expectations of Ramadan was actually the key to it. That instead of trying to force things, one could open oneself to the experience and just let it unfold. Thank God for Mariko.
In previous years, I would do typical Ramadan things like pray more, or memorize chapters of the Koran. This year, I’m doing no additional, formal, Islamic observances. Examples would be going to the mosque at night to pray, or for iftaar with other Muslims. I’m not even really trying to be a better person, which is a given during Ramadan. Sorry, the fasting is all I can add to my plate right now and I knew that going in. The med change happened within days of the start of Ramadan.
And it’s been my best Ramadan since I started fasting again as a middle-aged adult. I can feel God right beside me, even when I feel lousy. The hunger and thirst, while you can’t miss them, are not driving me to distraction. Getting enough calories and water in the early morning before the fast starts is probably my biggest issue, and even that is manageable if I’m regimented with myself about when I go to bed so I can have enough time in the morning to take care of these needs. And, it seems that I’m actually doing better with the med change on the days I’m fasting. I’m not sure how, or why, but I’ll take it. Because some of the other days are pretty iffy.
So, miraculously, and without doing all of the “extra” things my religion asks of me this month on top of fasting, I feel like I’m still growing closer to God. I’m enjoying the month, rather than feeling defeated by it. I’m not dreading it. I’m still feeling it, physically. I’m fatigued. Often, I lay down to rest after work. Some days, I break my fast and then just go to bed for the night. I have seriously curbed extracurricular activities. But all of those seeming difficulties are not getting me down. And while I’m still experiencing a set of emotional reactions to the med change, my overall mood is buoyed by God’s presence in my life. I can feel God all around me, at every moment, even when I’m anxious, overwhelmed, and hiding under a blanket. And I don’t doubt God’s love or care for me, despite my shifting emotions.
Maybe this is what Faith is.
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