Normally, I keep my Ramadan posts uber spiritual, and if I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t say anything at all. This post is a harder look at Ramadan and its traditions. Also, it’s a request for prayer.
As you know, my cat Bethesda died this week. I stopped fasting for a few days around making that choice for her, but I didn’t feel great about it. I also knew I didn’t have a lot of options. The stress that this decision brought into my life and into our home meant there wasn’t room for anything else. We made the decision over a holiday weekend (Memorial Day) and Hubby and I were growling at one another in front of company. My anxiety level was off the charts. It was awful.
But shouldn’t I turn to God? Rely on God? Still obey God during Ramadan? I asked myself. My spiritual practices fell down in other areas as well. Some days I prayed, some days I didn’t, and when I was struggling, when I knew I should stop and pray, I didn’t.
And then! Blessed relief! Due to the stress, my period started a week early. Muslim women don’t fast when they’re menstruating. They also don’t pray. No one would fault me now! #GuiltFree
However, I have serious reservations about this “out.” Normally, I do pray and fast during menstruation. I resent and chaff against this archaic tradition.
Also, I recently learned (on Jeopardy nonetheless), that Egypt does not recognize Daily Savings Time during Ramadan. Fasting in the northern U.S. can be unreasonably difficult. The hours are long and there’s no respite of any kind.
I’ll revisit whether I return to fasting for the last couple of days of Ramadan when my period ends. It will depend in large part on my emotional reserves. Fasting takes a lot out of you and I’m not willing to risk breaking down and crying at work, or becoming (even more) resentful about the burden this month has placed on me. I’m not sleeping well and fasting on top of insomnia is a recipe for disaster. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the med change, which keeps on giving.
Let me come back to that word I just threw out there: Resentment. Even before the end of life moment with Miss B, I had a few really bad days due to recurring insomnia. The emotional and physical pressure that it put on me on top of fasting was very difficult. Then, Miss B and my own bad call of deciding to euthanize her but waiting five days to actually do so. Then: the guilt of missing so many days of fasting. I’m just dispirited. I’m worn out. I’m trying to remember if it’s like this every year. I’m resenting the burden of Ramadan and I’m ready for it to be over. I can still feel God, but I’m reaching out less.
Sunday is my day to go back to the mosque with Dragon for the next Islam 101 class, this one on sacred Muslim texts. Just a week ago I was really looking forward to it. I was so excited – just by the thought of being in that holy space again. I looked forward to going to the mosque while fasting. It was like doubling down. I looked forward to prayer in my new, fuscia hijab in the women’s hall. Now, we’re still going, but at the moment I’m not excited by the idea. If you’re the praying sort, I’d appreciate a prayer. Fulfilling a desire to go to the mosque is a uniquely wonderful experience. Please give a little shout out that I find that peace on Sunday. I have Eid to look forward to on Wednesday and I want to celebrate, not finish the month down in the mouth.
Hubby says I deserve a dispensation from fasting right now. He also insisted that I pick out a nice piece of jewelry to remember the putty cat by. Last year for Christmas I bought him a T-shirt that reads: “I Never Dreamed I’d Grow Up to Be a Perfect Freakin’ Husband But Here I Am. Killin’ It.”
Totally.
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