Amphibian on the Run

On Sunday morning hubby and I lay in bed and listened to our cat Bethesda kill a frog in the spare bedroom. Nothing like starting the Lord’s day to the sound of shrieking amphibian.

Actually, the death of the frog is in some doubt. Bethesda did not bring us the body to demonstrate her huntress skills, although the sounds of the attack were identical to similar attacks we’ve witnessed in the back yard. So we have two options: a dead amphibian tucked up underneath the waterbed’s headboard, or a live amphibian hopping its way around my home to die in some other location and provide a finder’s treat at a later date.

Both options have left me in a state of disgusted horror. I’m afraid to open closet doors for the fear that a dead frog will stare up at me, dead, and very, very dead.

A couple of years ago, some friends had a mouse problem. Their reaction to the dead little mouse bodies was similar to my reaction to dead amphibians, while my reaction to their problem was calm. Dead mice? Why, how once-adorable are the mouse bodies. Look how calm and collected I am, lifting dead mouse bodies by their tails and dropping them into the dust bin. Nothing but a bit of cat-ownership maintenance. Be sure to praise the cat.

But there are important and distinct differences between mouse bodies and frog bodies. For one thing, frogs are amphibians, which make them inherently more frightening than mice (work with me here). For another, they sound really bad when they die. There is a volume control for mice. Not so, apparently, for frogs. (In case you were wondering why we did not interfere, I could blow some smoke around the general vicinity of your pants and say, “we don’t believe in involving ourselves in the natural order of things,” but the real answer is, “what, so I can finish the job for her? or leave it to die a prolonged death in the yard?”)

What I really need is a friend with a mouse problem who thinks nothing of dead frogs. If you be that friend, please contact me directly. I’m afraid to look under the headboard in my guest bedroom.